Why Narcissists Come Back (And How to Stop the Cycle)

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know how confusing and painful it can be when they leave—only to return as if nothing ever happened. You finally start to rebuild your life, regain your strength, and then suddenly, they reappear, acting charming, caring, and as if they never hurt you. It’s a cycle that can feel impossible to break, but understanding why they do this is the first step in stopping it for good.

Why Do Narcissists Come Back?

Narcissists don’t return because they’ve changed, grown, or realized they made a mistake. They come back for one reason: control. When they sense that you’re moving on, they feel a loss of power, and to regain it, they pull you back in with just enough kindness, false hope, and emotional manipulation to make you question everything.

Narcissists thrive on the push-and-pull dynamic. They leave you shattered, and just when you start to heal, they dangle a bit of affection in front of you to reel you back in. This isn’t love—it’s a game of power and dominance.

My Personal Experience:

The Confusion of False Hope

When my ex-husband and I were separated, I was desperately trying to move on. He, on the other hand, was living his life as if our marriage never happened. Yet, out of nowhere, he would ask me if I was seeing anyone or even invite me over for dinner, almost like we were going on a "date." And the worst part? I went.

Each time, I felt a pit in my stomach, wondering why he was torturing me like this. Why was he being so nice, acting as if he wanted me around, yet making it clear he wasn’t ready to get back together and be a family? I’d leave his apartment feeling utterly confused and emotionally wrecked. Looking back, I now understand this was his way of keeping me attached, ensuring I never fully moved on while he enjoyed his freedom.

How to Break the Cycle

1. Recognize the Pattern

The first step in breaking free is understanding that this cycle isn’t about love—it’s about control. They come back because they need validation, not because they genuinely care about your well-being.

2. Establish Firm Boundaries

Decide now that you will not engage in their games. Block their number, avoid responding to their messages, and most importantly, refuse to give them the emotional reaction they crave.

3. Remind Yourself of the Pain

Each time they return, you might feel tempted to believe this time will be different. But remember how you felt the last time they left. Write it down if you have to. Remind yourself of the confusion, the heartbreak, and the anxiety they caused.

4. Seek Support

Breaking free from a narcissist’s grip is incredibly difficult. Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, surround yourself with people who will remind you of the truth and help you stay strong.

5. Focus on Your Own Healing

Instead of questioning why they come back, ask yourself why you allow them to. Healing is about shifting your focus from them to you. Reclaim your power by investing in your own growth, happiness, and self-worth.

The Truth About Their Return

A narcissist’s return isn’t about love—it’s about control. It’s about making sure you never fully move on, keeping you trapped in their web of manipulation. The best way to stop the cycle is to refuse to play the game.

You deserve a love that is real, safe, and healing—not one that leaves you feeling sick, confused, and broken. The moment you decide you are worth more, that’s the moment they lose their grip on you for good.

Kristen x